Happiness at Old Age?

Just a few weeks ago my grandma turned 100 years old.

I know that is enormous, and I want to reach a similar age, well under certain circumstances at least.

Since Christmas this event has been a much discussed in my family and I am very relieved that the days leading up to her big day went much smoother and better than I had anticipated. My biggest worry was selfish family members pushing her to parade around to get the picture.

To be honest when I visit my grandma in her nursing home she quite often seems listless, withdrawn from her surroundings and in her own world. She is remarkably fit physically, even though in the last 4 years her body has lost muscle and she sometimes appears just skin and bones. But she can walk, takes no medication and when she chooses to interact with people she is not confused. Her eyes are not good anymore which makes it difficult to share photos, but she hears quite well. But she does not seem to enjoy interacting with people and to have conversations. And she is sensitive to noise, most likely as she does not see very well, she gets disoriented when there is a group conversation.

Around Christmas time when the kiddo and I went to see her she seemed overwhelmed and skittish and not really in the mood to interact, so we felt the whole family showing up at her birthday would be selfish and too much.

And when I arrived in town a few days ahead of my brother and his family I was still convinced that we should not push her to do anything.

But once my brother went to see my grandma and brought his son with him, my grandma visibly perked up. Drank more fluids and seemed a bit more present. Which was wonderful to witness.

I do have to admit being a bit jealous and sad, as my grandma has not recognized me for 2 years but seems to remember my brother. And even though she loves seeing my dog, she is indifferent to me.

But on her big day we got her to come out and eat fish, interact with my nephew in the sweetest way. She was exhausted afterwards and went straight to sleep, but I think she felt happiness on that day.

The day before I went to see her on my own and just sitting with her without expectations filled my heart and I hold on to that.

There is a song where the line " I am the oldest daughter of her only son, I knew her well before she was gone. And her life is woven into every part of me" ("Unraveling" by Liz Longley) brings me to tears. As that is how I feel our relationship is.

In the days before and after her birthday when I shared with people her age I found myself repeating this over and over:

My grandma never talked to strangers once she moved in with us. I was seven at the time. She loved my brother and me and did everything she could to care for us. But she was not social at all. She barely talked to anyone outside my family. And until she moved to the nursing home that was still the case. She settled in better than I expected, but her social interactions are only with the staff and my mom, who visits her once a week. She does not like the other people living there.

She drinks barely enough fluids and her brain appears rusty, for the lack of a better term. And in the last 4 years she does not seem to remember much of her life or ours. She recognizes my mom as the woman that comes for visits, but not that she is her daughter-in-law. She sometimes remembers her grandchild me and her great-grandchild, but does not recognize us when we are in front of her.

She could be much better cognitive if she would interact and socialize, perhaps be happier too, but it is not in her character to do so.

It makes me keenly aware that being part of a community of some sort is important to happiness. Otherwise all you have is your own thoughts and long days.

Though I do not know how happy or unhappy my grandma truly is, as she is not sharing those thoughts with me