Keep Going

Time has shifted and the days are quite short at the moment. Fall has come and gone and temperatures have dropped quite a bit. Living her feels a bit more normal now. I have adapted to a new routine and have made some new connections that I am working on extending. So overall there really is nothing to complain about.

And yet, there is this sadness that comes and goes. Some mornings I can't help but cry and feel scared. It is this feeling that you have deep down, that this loneliness is just not going away. Where I feel just not quite good enough. Blaming some wrinkles and weight gain or really any other aspect of me, which creates more self doubt... can I, will I ever meet someone to share my life with? Or am I simply too old, too ordinary too "fill in the blanks".

And there is a difference in having wonderful and meaningful relationships with your friends and family and the ability to have someone to hug you after a long day.

I see it in my mom, who has lived alone for a long time and one night didn't stop talking, not even for a breath, as if she had to grab this opportunity of us sitting together at night, to have human interactions because there might not be another chance.

On an intellectual level I know that Social Media never tells us the whole story about a person, and so the grass always looks greener. There are always more accomplished, happier people there, but we really do not know what it is like to walk in their shoes.

When I started my yoga journey a few years back one thing I really wanted to change is being so negative, always only seeing the lack but not the good in my life. This also included to be kinder to everyone around me and myself.

It is still a struggle, my mind always shifts towards the uncontrollable and then the unhappiness about it, and it is effort and practice to remind myself about all the things to be grateful for. Which there are plenty.

And in early morning coffee contemplations I often think how much I am like my father and how much I am fighting to see more light.

Life really is like a hall mark movie, but we have to allow all the imperfections that get written out of the script to exist in our real life. To embrace the people that love us and that we love. To embrace their edges and ways to interact. To focus on the interactions we have and how it reminds us that we are not alone. We will find happiness in moments without expectations of being perfectionism.

Women need meaningful connections and the more connection points there are the stronger they feel, the more accepted they feel, the more seen they feel. It is true that your worth and strength and power comes from within, but at times connections amplify and make it visible, even to ourselves.

It is like a spider web, think of how incredible thin the single strand is, but every time it crosses over it becomes this strong point and the finished web is incredible.

I see women's relationships like that. Knowing you are not alone in what you are dealing with gives you strength to keep on.

So yes I am afraid to not meet someone that will hold me at the end of the day, but I also count my blessings, my family, my friends and the opportunity to be the one that steers my life path and if that is all life has to offer, than that is already quite a lot and I am working on finding happiness right there within.