Memories and Other Thoughts

A couple days ago I sat in the train into the city. Doesn't that sound so fancy "into the city" as if it is far and huge, which neither is true. But one of the nice things is that finally I can speak English well enough to be a bit fanciful with my words. So please bear with me.

Back to that moment, when I sat in the S-Bahn, not sure how my thoughts went to my time in Okinawa, but I remembered this day, when the Typhoon came.

A Typhoon is like a Hurricane but turns the other way, so I have been told. It passed right across the island, while we lived there. Emma's dad and I lived off base in the community. We didn't have a lock down, like the families on base. So, I watched the locals and they went on about their life and I did the same.

I met a friend in this coffeeshop and remember how we sat there and the rain and wind became stronger and stronger. It was quite eerie.

Then all of the sudden everything went quiet, really quiet. No birds, no sounds, as if time was holding its breath. It was the eye of the storm passing over us. Words can't capture how different it feels, from a normal day.

While sitting there feeling as in a vacuum, my friend was telling me that each person feels a hole in their heart and trying to fill it is impossible. It is meant to be filled by God, was the statement.

Well anyone that knows me, realizes that I don't subscribe to organized religion, I feel very strongly it is not meant to empower women in any way, so therefore it is not for me.

But let me describe how I can make sense of this feeling. Which I believe does exist.

If you want to go with a physics explanation. Energy can never be lost only transformed, In Buddhism it is said, that we are all once eternal source. Our time on Earth is temporary and we return to that source. Hm, sounds a bit like physics and energy, perhaps...

This might explain our longing to connect with others, to find something greater than ourselves. Then the hole in the heart, my friend was referring to could be the desire to discover our eternal self.

But these are just thoughts on the train, triggered by a memory. You can decide whether you like to to muse about this.

Back to Okinawa, eventually the storm returned on the back of the eye with all the wind and rain one might expect. It tingles in once body, makes one feel very alive to witness nature at is wildest. Even living in Florida, I never got this close to a storm and love the memory it gave me.

Over the next few days I thought more about feeling lost or disconnect. Sometimes it shows in the desire to constantly having big moments, that too much down time feels like not being alive enough.

For many years I scheduled my weeks so full with activities, that there was no time to sit and think. Or better "to sit with my emotions".

It is quite uncomfortable. Not pleasant in fact and too easy to get overwhelmed and consumed by them.

Now there is more room in my schedule. The apartment is less work than the house was, Emma is away in college and there is no rescue work at the moment.

And yet, I find myself trying to fill the days and quiet times up again, to not leave much room. Or drown those times out with meaningless shows on TV and some wine too.

But to "sit with my emotions" is something I want to learn to do. Allow them to exist but not to consume me.

Feeling all the uncertainty of where my life should go, what there is in my heart. And life unexplored wanting to be lived, can only reveal itself when I sit and listen. When there is no room to feel, there is no room to find out.....

Even though the fear of missing out, to pass on an opportunity to strengthen the bond with my newly won friends, can be strong, I intentionally make space

Sitting without the noise of a the TV or even a podcast. Leaving the phone at the table. Just sitting and breathing.

Sometimes I give up and go for the distractions, but every so often I bear the emotions that well up, the fear of not being in control of things. I hope over time I can hear the voice behind it, telling me what path to take next...