Muddling through my Thoughts

The days are getting brighter again and bit by bit longer too. The past weeks of no sunshine and dark mornings were harder than I anticipated. But none the less having seasons feels right to me. The surprising joy of walking on a really brisk but clear day is hard to bring into words. It stirs long forgotten memories of my childhood days. Walking to the school bus and seeing your breath. Hair getting tangled up from the breeze. Walking with my dad in the woods and feeling humble by nature all around us.

A recent visit to a wildlife park reminded me of doing that with my family at different points in my life and it brought sunshine into my heart. I love observing animals. The turkey that is showing his tail feathers, the wild boar that is majestic and totally bored by the visitors. I am glad to have visited, but it reminded me that the times when I got to see Elk in the wild, albeit far away, will always be beat seeing them behind a fence Though, I do not object to bringing wild animals close to our children, to teach them love for nature.

Life has settled into a rhythm and after a quick getaway to see some snow, a somewhat normal day to day routine has taken over. So my restless soul is dreaming of far away places, of experiencing adventure again.

In the mean time I try to go hiking as often as I can. This part of Germany is not really wild or untamed, not sure that such wild places are left in Germany. But there is charm and quiet beauty to be found if one is willing to look. The first flowers that will whisper of spring, the hawk in the near by field looking for food, and even the neighborhood dog behaving equally bad as mine.

Lately I have been listening to podcasts around being busy all the time, that sitting with one own thoughts is uncomfortable for many of us. And this does not mean scrolling on your phone, but truly not being distracted by anything.

For me it feels like I am at war with myself. On the one hand I feel more like myself.

Choosing my time and how I spend it carefully, making an effort to say no when I get overwhelmed, but also to avoid hiding away like a hermit (is hermitting a word?). To seek out social interaction and to enjoy that too.

But other times I battle feeling inadequate, particular after looking on Pinterest at all the ways I could improve status quo.

I gained weight and simply can't shed it. There are signs of aging, which in itself are not bad, but make me worry I am fading away from the dating pool. Which I know intellectually is ridiculous, but that is what it feels like.

I dealt with the first signs of menopause and even though it is a normal part of life, it puts one in the old people category. Which simply put is super scary. No one ever told us that on average Klimakterium (fancy word for menopause) starts in your late forties.

So I made the mistake of going off the homeopathic treatment I was on in January, thinking maybe it was just a phase. I regret that dearly, thankfully after almost 2 months of uncomfortableness the homeopathic treatment has kicked in again and I am back feeling normal temperatures again. Still dealing with some other effects though, forgetfulness and sadness, but I can manage them.

But still, in quiet moments I am scared of being too old, not attractive anymore. And this new feeling of, what if my body is not going to allow me to be free into old age. It is scary to think about not being able to hike, or to see the beauty around me.

So I try to eat healthy, to do yoga, to workout. But often I come up short and the sweets in the house get the better of me. That is when I feel really low, not strong enough, not good enough. Were I get so angry with myself and I feel helpless too.

I wonder if my Grandma had those same thoughts, or if her life was too busy with daily work to sit and ponder? But in this time and age, I can't imagine I am the only one, even though it often feels this way. I see the the women in my life and admire them, for their strength, their kindness and their beauty.

Yet when it comes to myself I put the bar in a nearly unreachable, actually in an unobtainable place and then I secretly beat myself up for not reaching it.

And worse there is this conviction that without reaching the bar happiness will not come, will not be deserved. Intellectually I know that is absurd and that I have a lot of good qualities as a human being. But that does not change this fear that I am simply not enough.

And yet, I still get up every morning, intentionally focusing on the next step and the next one after that. Life is not a straight path and there really are no wrong turns, just decisions that will lead you to the next opportunity to find another puzzle piece. (Just around the riverbend...)

And just because I feel these post and my feelings tend to be too melancholic. Here is a funny thought. You know you are a dog mom, when you think the pile of blanket next to you on the couch is hiding your dog, so you are careful not to interrupt his sleep. In reality he is the dog sitter and not even in the house!