No Snow, yet

I am still here, hanging on to one more day. Quite often there are a lot of thoughts I want to write down here, but they run through my brain late at night and I push it off to the next day, when the words are lost. So bear with me when this is quite lengthy and a bit convoluted perhaps.

Emma came and went already. She spend her college break with me and I am so very grateful for that. Her easy going demeanor and general even keeled temperament remind me to stay calm and to enjoy moment for moment.

We visited the Christmas Market several time, did some shopping, went bowling and went to a pub too. We also did my very favorite thing of all, sing out loud in the car together. It's the best karaoke stage and I have always loved doing that with her.

We spend the holidays with family, which was wonderful. Not to say it was like a Hallmark movie at all. Everyone in my family has their own idea how these events are supposed to unfold, but sometimes you take people for who they are and loose expectations and it becomes this moment, where you enjoy being surrounded by familiar faces.

The weather this year was not going to grant us magic. It rained and some days where cold, so quite a few days we spend doing nothing. For me that is the difficult.

My ego craves a spectacular moment all the time, to have stories to tell, to prove that I am alive. Taking things day by day is still my challenge and is something I will continue to work on this year.

One thing to be proud of though. When my anxiety went through the roof I forced myself to get on the mat, even for a short time. I know Yoga helps me settle and feel better, but too often I wander in the house like a caged tiger instead. So I pushed myself to unroll the mat right then, instead of pushing it off to another day. Just moving slowly and deliberately calms the nerves. Breathing and letting go!

One question that my family asked a few times this season was if I settled in, if I feel at home. Those are two questions...

Settled in? Yes. I feel comfortable in my town, in my flat (such a cute British word). I am starting to find my way around Frankfurt too, Work trial period is pretty much done and my boss is happy I decided to stay. My co-workers are great and I still learn new things every day. Still mostly home office, which the dogs love.

Now to address the second question, do I feel home? I don't think so. It might be too early, but I have not felt home anywhere. This feeling of here is where I belong and always want to come back too.

I always longed to see and be at another place, and I still do. Putting roots down in a place feels restricting and scary to me. Even though I sometimes long for that feeling to be content somewhere.

And maybe it is not a place but a state within me that just hasn't gotten there yet. I have seen many beautiful places and hope to see many more traveling, but home might not be a place....

Emma told my mom for her "Home" is where I am. How sweet is that?

Yesterday I drove past a small forest, they exist here in almost every town. Without snow they look barren. The leaves are gone and only the branches stick up. The dominant color is brown, maybe muddy if that were to be a color. And yet I can see beauty in this desolated look. I know spring will come soon enough, and allowing nature to "not be aufgebretzelt" (not wear makeup), but to be as she is, stirs up emotions in me.

Why can I see beauty in that, in others, appreciate imperfections all around me, but not in me?

Self love is not progressing much at all. I am still hard on myself all the time. Not living up to my own expectations. I do not mind my age, actually feel more authentic to my own core values, than in my younger years. I have become less erratic and more open to how I see the world. To accept what I can not control or change. To step outside my comfort zone more often.

But I fear to end up old and alone, to not find someone to share my life with. The sad truth is, that happens to people, there really is not a "top for each pot" for everybody.

So I struggle with the outward part of myself very much. Having gained weight in the last 2 years and unable to loose it, makes me feel inadequate. Not as a human, but as a woman. I find it hard to see myself as attractive. And I am aware that it is projecting out, but I feel unable to turn it off. Unable to stop beating myself down for not working out more, eating healthier....

It is one thing to know the steps one need to take and another to take them.

When at night all of it comes together, the fridge gets raided.

Then I feel ashamed and embarrassed about it, swear the next morning I will turn things around. It is a vicious cycle and I almost didn't write it down. In fact I have erased these lines several times, but it is the truth and I do not want to write a "grass is the best green" here, I want to be honest.

So more self love and acceptance is my goal for 2022!

I am still here, hanging in there. Focusing on small wins and moments to feel connected. Sending love to all of you as the shared memories give me light and hope.

One more note, I added a reminder that live is not a straight line where I can see it all the time, to keep it present.

Second, last note, I read this beautiful poem and wanted to print it here, but I am pretty sure that would infringe on copyrights, so instead I put a link.

It is called "Snow" by Louis Magneice. Line 4 is my favorite line...

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/91395/snow-582b58513ffae