Aspirations

When choosing this title I meant "the hope to achieve something", but once I looked up the meaning to be sure I picked the right word, I had to smile as in medicine the word Aspiration means: The Process of drawing breath!

How fitting as I have been using breathing exercises as meditation tool and to gain clarity about my life path.

For my original intended meaning I aspire to be kind, to be empathic and give the people in my life love and room to be who they are in the current moment, without judgement.

And yet, how is it that the people we care about can trigger us so much?

I once read that the characteristics of a person that annoy us the most are the work we still need to do in our own life.

So my mom not being able to listen and to give space to others might anger me because I tend to talk over people despite my best intentions.

But let's start at the beginning...

Last week my mom spend with me, on my invitation, to have a celebration birthday week. She turned 70 and was not really so happy about it. She hates getting older.

I however was determined to create memories and to remind her to count her blessings.

There was shopping days planned and some time outdoors to soak up the first cold winter days.

On her birthday we spend the day with family, which somehow was my most trying day. I really want to be big hearted and kind, but with some of my family that is hard to remember. I really bit my tongue though, reminding myself that it was not about me but about my mom having a special day with the people she loves.

She did get a Single Traveller Vacation from all of us and I hope she enjoys the trip on her own and that she meets other nice people to inspire her to travel more on her own.

I know she wants to see more of the world and she has the means to do it, but she gets scared and prefers to travel with someone else, yours truly in fact. I on the other hand do not want to spend ALL my travel time with her.

The following day we spend at the Therme, swimming in warm water while the cold air floats over your head is such a luxury. I wonder how people from "dry countries" would view our excess of water and how we use it. But being in the place in the middle of the week, with very few people visiting was glorious. We also enjoyed the Sauna there, it is such a calming and peaceful ritual that I am glad we took the time to do it.

Then my big surprise was on the menu. Visiting her granddaughter, who could not be at her birthday dinner. We went to the Christmas Market hear by and spend 2 nights at my kiddo's apartment.

And this is where I wished with all my heart I could make it into a Hallmark movie where everything is all wonderful and not as imperfect as life decided to be.

My daughter's apartment is not heated well, something she has brought up to the landlord already, but that has not yet gotten resolved. Well my mom was like a dog with a bone, she could not let the topic be, making my daughter feel like being a bad host.

My mom though just worried about the condition and wanted to make it better, but unable to do so, felt frustrated and had to complained about it.

Her desire to fix things, to buy things to make a situation better or to show love annoys my daughter to no end. She wants to feel heard and capable, she dislikes to being babied and above all else she wants her grandma to understand that. Unfortunately I do not think it is possible.

I tried my best before heading to see my kiddo to remind my mom to listen more and to try to give up control. As soon as we arrived those words where lost and I get so angry and frustrated with her and then when I snarl at my mom and she gets teary eyed I feel like shit.

The sad thing is theses patterns do not seem to change and despite my best effort most of our 3 generation memory moments are riddled with tension.

It was not all bad. We all snuggled under heated blankets (yes multiples), letting a electric heater blow warmish air at us and watched "Mindful Murders", which was quite funny and kept us all entertained.

We also drank Gluehwein together and enjoyed walking through the Christmas market, ogling at the nice items we do not need but liked to look at.

Now a week later, gratefully back on my own I do want to try again, as you never know when there won't be the option to spend time in each others company anymore.

And for next year being kind and empathic is still my aspiration, working on those triggers bit by bit.

One last thought, as I dropped my mom off at my uncles, he pushed an envelope in my hand. In May I stepped in and helped at his wine stand, not really wanting to, but also feeling one ought to help out when one can.

Even though I had told him on multiple occasions that I was happy to help and did not need or want money for the time, he insisted. There was no talking him out of it. So I think this "Giving Tuesday" I shall find a cause to pay this money to, so it will bring some joy.

We can not always chose the people we are connected to and need to see those interactions as lessons we shall learn. And be extra grateful for the connections we chose and that bring light into our heart.