Back on the surface

afailedperfectioni
Jan 20, 2024
4 min read

Half way through January I finally feel that I can breathe again. I felt numb and underwater. The year started positive and I could not let it get close to me. Kept hermitting and feeling restless once more.

Since starting therapy I had the irrational hope that my inner critic would subside and I would not feel these up and downs anymore. The truth is life will always be like this, up and down. Therapy helped me find strategies to pull myself out of my emotional spiral faster though. I can anker myself in the present faster and identify when I fall into a behavior that is not helping me. It does not always happen right away, as 3 nights with wine and chocolate could not be stopped. None the less I tried hard to not beat myself up about it and to start each morning fresh.

I added the sticky notes back to my mirror, that are reminding me that I am lovable despite my imperfections.

I had taken them down before my mom arrived, feeling a bit ashamed about having them.

And I woke up this morning able to get things done rather than sitting on the couch feeling frozen and apathic. The 3 or 2 deal of chocolates are now stored 2/3 in the freezer, turned on music, and 2 hours later the bathroom is clean, the floor too and I feel much better.

I love listening to audio books, but they have become my vice to hide behind. To dream of fictional characters and a better life, rather than appreciating the life I have. And what is most important to live my life in the present.

It has been incredibly cold and I used that as a further excuse to hide this week. But this morning, being awake at 6 am I send out messages to friends to reconnect. They probably thought, what the heck!

I know tonight will be the real test, can I feel ok at night is always the way I can tell if I am out on the other side of a bad spell.

And this morning I am feeling and thinking and unlocking things too, which is such a relief to me. One of my trains are about my fear that with getting older, I forget the good experiences I had in my life.

I am not a good keeper of memories, so I started writing down my thoughts during travel, which is also what I have bringing to this blog to hold on to those moments better.

Last year I had wanted to write down the good things happening, big and small, to read them on Sylvester ( New Years Eve). One of those resolutions. There were only a few one line scribbles though, as I kept forgetting to write them down.

I was spending the New Years with with my mom (more on that later) and so I just got them out, I decided to add them here so I have them and perhaps this year I can find more to write down. In other words, notice more, taking a moment to appreciate and capture good moments...

One more thought I had cleaning the kitchen, it happens because the last things my dad gave me where kitchen utensils I needed when I moved here.

So this morning I realized I am able to think of my dad without guilt or the need to qualify my feelings. I can miss him, the good he was, the dad I loved. I can bring up the images that made my heart sing, without having to bring up the difficult parts of our relationship. January is his birthday month and he would have turned 70 years on the first of the year.

He would be so proud of Emma and the person she is becoming and I do hope he is watching us from somewhere. Feeling my forgiveness and accepting his.

I recently discovered this FB guy, https://www.facebook.com/GurdeepPandher, he dances in a snowy Winter Wonderland (Yukon), I can feel the joy he is radiating. So if you need a pick up to make you smile, watch him dance. It is magic.

Good Things Happened 2023

March 5th hiking with the group, 20 km and 650 m height (up and down) it was really hard, but we saw ducks along the hike and it left me feeling happy and content

March 10th

Yoga practice Friday night

March 11th

my mom Video called my while being at my grandma, she talked

to me and was quite feisty. Which made me smile

April 7th

Easter with Mama and her friend Christa in Bavaria

April 22th

Yoga and breakfast at a beautiful place with my cousin Nadine

May 9th

my friends Tricia and Jon visited me on their travels to Europe.

It was wonderful to show them a bit of Frankfurt and catch up in person