Perspective

I am not sure if putting phrases or names to things is a way of wanting to be something special instead of just ordinary. Am I highly sensitive? I thought of myself as a person full of emotions and a good level of empathy, but is that not an innate human ability?

And as I feel more disconnect to those easily accessed emotions, did I loose myself, my self worth?

Most of the last 20 years or so, I focused on raising Emma to the best of my abilities, to be a a good role model. Provide her with a picture of functioning in this world, but also to do selfless things and to smell the roses.

Now that I am left to my own to smell roses, it felt as if I had no idea on how to do that.

This past year has been a hard one, due to some circumstances I was not able to travel as much and the woman I felt close to left to move back to her home country. Also having 2 aging dogs makes for lots of emotional and financial hard decisions. On top of that were many weekends without dog sitter, which in turn meant less hiking or spending long hours away from the flat. But those are excuses too, as I could have gone for a small hike with the dogs or on my own and nothing stopped me from meeting friends for dinner for a few hours. But often I felt raw and unsettled and did not want to burden anyone with that.

I felt trapped by my own indecision but did not want to make changes out of fear that it was chasing a dream of something better, without there being a real chance of something better, simply by moving to a new place.

The last few month I have sought professional help, as this depressive state, even though not new to me, felt like it simply would not go away on its own. It helps speaking with a professional who has no stake or emotional tie to the outcome. Shifting perspective has been the focus of the work I have done.

Noticing my inner critic and realizing how strong my desire to be perfect truly is has helped me realizing that there is some choice in how can view this status quo. Allowing some of the sadness and even anger to be felt, so that the happy feelings can be unburied too has been a relief. At times I thought I was not able to feel anything anymore.

And yet, today, it wants to engulf me yet again. This feeling of loss....

To clarify I am proud of the woman my daughter is becoming and encourage her to walk her own path and to spread her wings wide.

Yet I miss her coming to me for advice and living under the same roof. I miss being in my thirties when life kept holding the promise of better and exciting things to come.

And perhaps the hustle and bustle of a tight schedule with always the next thing to do already determined. Running a household, driving a kid and myself to school and work and rescuing dogs, meeting friends and every so often planning a nice thing.

Now I often don't know what to do with my free time. Currently the new friends live an unsteady and unpredictable life, which is exciting to listen to, but makes for bad choices to plan anything on a weekend.

At the same time there is this fear that I am not able to reach any goals I have, or worse yet that I have to decide what is unrealistic and needs to be given up.

It leaves me angry and frustrated and then the desire to be perfect comes up strong.

The story in my head:

If you were more disciplined, you would loose weight and look better, like those older women on FB, then you would meet this great man. He would be interesting and kind and with him you could travel the world, buy land and live happy ever after.

There would be great neighbors, big thanksgiving dinner and duckies to feed in the morning. Occasionally a quick trip to the big city to see a play and travel off course, to far away places, meeting wonderful people and seeing the wonders of the world, while it is still here.

But as you did not work out today and instead ate fries. Your face is aging and you have no interesting topics to tell anyone, this all will never happen.

So no Hallmark movie for the imperfect woman.

Silly isn't it? I agree! I would tell my friend that she is wonderful and lovable the way she is and that none of those things guarantee happiness, nor are they required for a fulfilled life. and yet....

So I sit here and breath, in and out as that is all I am able to manage today.