Away from the crowds

Picking up where I left off two years ago, hiking the missing parts of the Harzer Hexenstieg. I had decided to use the Easter Holidays to finally try a hike on my own.

I would stay in accommodations for the night, but carry my things with me.

Travelling by train is always an adventure, sometimes overcrowded often late but in the end I arrived in Osterode to begin my journey.

Strolling through the town in twilight, letting the impressions settle in and trying not to be too anxious about the next day. After a wonderful pasta dinner I tried to sleep early and not allow myself to get worked up about rain and the long distance the next day.

The next morning arrived with drizzles, so after a good breakfast putting on my rain pants I set off. Some of the anxiety let me start off with some urgency to ensure I have enough day light in the end. The first several kilometer were hard going as it was mostly uphill and I could tell my body was kind of unwilling to co-operate. But eventually I found my step and joy being out by myself despite the on and off rain.

I was able to enjoy the nature around me and let my thoughts run. At first it was mundane things, like recent conversations and things I plan to do this year. But after a while I was able to tap into my insecurities. As I was alone on the trek I started talking out loud about my body flaws and my inability to change much in the last few years.

As I acknowledged my feelings tears began to well up and for once I let them flow freely.

One thought among all the others was that I felt I had to be really hard and ambitious to provide for Emma and to get ahead in life. Most of my life I teeter tottered between feeling inferior and an outsider and then again even arrogant about my intellectual ability and what I have accomplished all on my own merit. Then the thought surfaced that I dislike my body so much for not being hard and efficient like my mind seems to be.

And at last the realization that under all the layers I'm quite a romantic and soft person wanting to be kind and motherly.

It takes so much effort chasing the money and proving myself everyday, all the time.

Quite frankly I am a bit tired of my perfectionism. Not being able to find contentment and I think my body has been trying to tell me that. This pursuit served a purpose in the last 45 or so years but perhaps it is time to find a different path now.

Are the aches in my back, in the inability to lose the extra weight a sign to reconsider how I live my life? Perhaps.....

Without forcing an answer feeling unburdened by the tears I felt more light hearted and started to really enjoy walking and looking around.

This was until about kilometer 26, at which point it dawned on me, well actually the sign told me, I had a lot more than 4 km ahead of me. I was unsure at first what to do, give up? But I was not really anywhere where a Taxi could find me. And I am not a quitter either.

From that moment on I had to battle my body and my mind, despite the fact that the pathway was really flat, it seemed to be endless. This section was a bit more monotone, only a little bridge every so often. I tried to focus on being present and noticing as much around me as I could.

After having walked a good while on flat terrain it started to climb and I felt some relief that I must be close to the end, as I had seen on the GPX File that the end was a climb.

So I slowed down and kept trudging on, But, oh no, the path was obstructed and I had to turn and take a different path. The only one too. Down again I went, which infuriated me, I did not want to move down!

This part was a mountain bike path and a bit slippery due to the rain, to top it off it was a bit of a drop on one side.

Great! My fear of heights kicked in, I was tired and grumpy and afraid of falling or tripping and being in the middle of nowhere without anyone finding me. Such drama in my head prevented me from admiring the beauty around me and to take a picture. I wish I could have gotten out of my head long enough to take a breath. But at kilometer 29 or so, I just did not had it in me anymore to be observant.

I finally reached the main path again and from here on out it was steady uphill. At times rather steep too. I still head plenty of daylight but it was getting later and I really just wanted to be done. To prevent panic or just laying down and dying (lol) I focused on some bush or rock or blade of grass and took five to ten steps then stopped and took a few breath. It was painfully slow, but nonetheless it was progress, step by step. I also promised myself a cocktail and some fries as reward.

It took all I got and a lot of determination, as I had not really worked out or hiked much leading up to this day and I was carrying a few kilos in my backpack too.

In the end the hill flattened out and I walked along the street entering Torfhaus.

I entered the town right were the Youth Hostel was, so I decided to checkin and then look for food.

In the entrance it requested to take of your hiking boots. With trembling legs I did and walked sock footed to the reception. The nice young man informed me that my room is on the first floor but I needed to go down a flight of stairs first to get my sheets.

I could not stop my tears from welling up, I was so exhausted. He saw this and decided to hand me sheets. I was beyond grateful.

I shared my room with 2 women and that was fine by me, but they had both chosen the lower bunkbeds.

It took me several minutes to figure out if my legs would manage to get up in that upper bunk bed. Gone was the dream of greasy food and cocktails.

I vowed not to hike 34 kilometers again and fell promptly asleep.

The night held a few more exciting but gross surprises and I rather spare you the details, but before the night ended I managed to take a shower and some Ibuprofen and slept through the rest of the night.

Breakfast tasted wonderful the next day. Hunger is a great seasoning.

I was joined for breakfast by my roommates and they were very lovely women, the old friends just hanging out for a few days to catch up. They were talking about how Germany needs to adjust how we educate and find workers in early childhood education. and it felt so wonderful to be able to speak with people after not having spoken for 24 hours with anyone, so I really enjoyed having this intellectual interaction.

It always amazes me how resilient legs can be, yes they were tired but it felt good walking the next day, it was a mostly flat, except for one steep hill,

It took small increments climbing it up, mostly to give my legs a rest in between.

I decided to leave my ego and not climb all the way to the Broken (highest peak). It was a beautiful Saturday, so I expected there to be crowds, I did not like it that much the last time and quite frankly my legs deserved an easy day.

I allowed myself plenty of breaks and a slower pace, despite some aches and pain I had no blisters and it was a beautiful sunny and warm day.

This section is a popular day hike so I saw plenty of people and dogs. The one I loved the most was this tiny little Dachshund bounding joyfully up the hill and his owner on the end of the leash trying hard to keep up, huffing and puffing. If only I could have taken a video.

I also stopped to talk to the people that walked their horses, yes walked them. They told me both horses where seniors and so was the dog with them. We talked about rescuing dogs and how they are unique and quirky and I felt happy walking on from there.

At the hotel I enjoyed the luxury of a long hot shower, a comfy bed and great dinner with a cocktail to boot. I was undecided if I wanted to walk the next day, but after breakfast and talking to my mom I decided to not pass up the sunshine.

I chose a short trail and must say it was magical. The first bit was uphill, but all the interesting sights around and no heavy backpack made it much easier to get up. And then the path was almost a bit hidden, fallen dead trees, little rocks, then again an opening in the trees. I did not see many people in the first half. Then I found a view point.

I overcame my anxiety and went up the ladder. There was a young couple and I asked them if they could stay as I was a bit afraid to be alone there, in case I panic after all.

Then a few moments later I asked if they would take my picture and that is when I realized they did not speak German. Embarrassed I tried to explain myself in English, but I am not certain that they understood me at all. But the girl took my picture and I made my way down without any panic attacks. Feeling quite accomplished.

I had gotten a few updates on Mia and Rags, they love there vacation in the Taunus and being spoiled by their sitter. I was looking forward to traveling home the next day and to be with them again.

On my way home in the train I sat next to two older ladies and they told me about their hiking vacation and how it can be a challenge to catch your next train when you have to run down the stairs and through a tunnel and back up. They seemed to be maybe in their 70s or 80s both great haired, they both had a small suitcase and they seem to enjoy each other's company very much.

A few more impressions and thoughts:

On this holiday I only saw one mother daughter pair that were doing the whole Hexenstieg, but plenty of adult Sons with their parents.

I met one father daughter duo with their dog, they told me they spend their weekends quite often hiking together.

I saw plenty of big dogs being on hikes with their owners who seemed to really enjoy being out there in nature. Every small dog I encountered definitely seem to vibrate in the excitement of being out there, much more so then the bigger counterparts.

There was this little white dog that exactly in the middle of its body had a line. The bottom half including feet were muddy and the top half was pristine white.

I am proud of myself for finally hiking on my own, and I did enjoy the Solitude but I also the brief encounters with people along the way.