Holding Back-Another Aspect of Perfectionism

Another Sunday awakens, and coffee is sipped, and life feels oddly like it belongs to someone else.

Emotions within are stirring, leaving me deep in contemplation. Recently, someone mentioned that I appear grounded and calm, with a noticeable inner strength. It seems like I'm holding back, as if standing on the brakes.

Inside, there's a conflict between the desire for freedom from conventional life and the comfort of structure and predictable days.

Restless like a tiger in a cage. Getting up, sitting down, starting chores, raiding the fridge, taking a nap, nothing to calm the storm inside. She fears feeling anything, unsure of the status quo. The uncertainty is unbearable. Waiting for something to happen, for a sign, wanting to scream. Like her demented dog, who walks in circles, so does she.

The reluctance to settle for this place, this situation, for what feels not enough. Too conventional and mundane, too ordinary. Feeling frustrated and defeated when it seems impossible to identifying the change worth pursuing. What does the life with enough excitement and purpose really look like?

Holding back, hesitant to pursue a new goal. There is fear of failure, fear of not having enough time, money, determination, or skill.

Questioning the dream of owning land and chickens. Of living at a slower pace and contentment. This dream I've held high for so long, like a torch never to be reached, hence perfect.

It keeps me longing for something better, happier, more fulfilling.

What if, once achieved, if it does not provide the joy and contentment I seek? What if, upon buying the farm at some undecided place, I feel more alone and overwhelmed? And then the dream is gone, leaving only an unfulfilled life, and lots of empty days left in that life.

So, I feel simultaneously trapped in a comfortable yet boring life,

fearful of commitment while wishing for a better life elsewhere.

Feeling disconnected from others, feeling like I am not like anyone else.

This feeling has always been present in my life. Rarely have I felt a true sense of belonging. Where I dare to be vulnerable and seen for who I am.

On occasion when trying to be authentically me and it was not well received, I felt shame and anger, retreating back into hiding. Putting my walls back up, perhaps even a bit higher than before.

"Emotions are not meant to endure; they are fluid, constantly adjusting and moving,

so they cannot be the foundation of your life. But allowing them space and room brings clarity and growth."

Yet deep down, I sense a strength, a ray of sunshine. An unknown source convinced that a path exists, will be found, and will put this yearning to rest.

There is "a place" to be authentically me.