Insights in Late Winter

As of late I have been plagued with restlessness. This feeling is nothing new, often in my life did I feel like something odd to happen or reveal itself. Having been fortunate in my life, that there were always been plenty of options and directions to take my life towards, it also brought the burden to making decision, right and perfect ones, off course! Well...

But new is the thought: At what point in life it is too late to make another turn or to decide on what life should look like?

And so in the last several months I once again pulled back, acting a bit of a hermit. I wish I could say I sat and meditated and let my inner voice grow louder. That reflection and taking it slow was what I did.

But the truth is, there was quite a bit of chocolate and grand central station in my head, combined with questions like, did I make the right choice to live and work in Germany? How can I find good affordable dog care so I can travel? When will I finally turn the corner of this emotional eating and loose the weight that feels so heavy in more than the physical sense? And again all this stress and bad eating let my hormones flare up, giving me another round of uncomfortable-ness related to Menopause.

Every odd day I managed to move on my yoga mat, to let my emotions rise and come out, to eat Skyr for breakfast, but then the roller coaster would start all over.

Recently though 2 conversations brought some silver linings into my mind and I think they are worth sharing.

One of the things I can never decide on is, do I want to be close to a city and enjoy the comfort of riding trains and walking to the grocery store instead of needing the car for everything. Also being close enough to go and see any kind of art (Theater, Opera, Festival, etc) on a Thursday after work. Or do I want to live rural and have some land to raise a few chickens, ducks perhaps and have a bit of a view. Oh and if I go all big, give some golden years to a cow and some goats and ride my horse over the hills at sunset. Yes you may laugh at that, but hey it is just a dream, isn't it.

My friend who thinks some of my ideas crazy and who also is so fearless making decisions often asked me this: "How often a year do you go to the Theater?" She also suggested the following. Instead of making a pro/con list make a ranking of happiness list.

On a scale of one to ten, where do these activities, living situations and other important choices rank? So it is not comparing apples and other fruit, it is saying "this thing" how much joy does that bring you?

If Opera is a 5 and duckies waddling and quacking are an 8, what does that tell you?

And she pointed out, you can always find someone to take care of the animals to go for a weekend into the city to see the play that puts your mind in awe.

This stuck with me so much, I am trying to rank the most random things, not even related to each other, in the hope that it will tell me something.

The other conversation that made me look at things a bit differently, is not a new revelation, rather something known, but too quickly forgotten.

In a conversation someone told me that after having a near death car accident at very young age, he decided to live life to the fullest and not to wait or push things off. He elaborated that his parents, even though relatively healthy and well off, would not find a way to enjoy their retirement. Rather they are prisoners of their own negative thoughts. When people don't practice finding joy in their life or making choices that bring contentment then they might not be able to do that later in life. So there is no reason to wait until you do not work anymore to evaluate your situation and change course.

Perhaps dare to stop work and travel the world, at least for a bit, your skills are still there after....

Now me as a non risk taker and practical person would not suggest to quit your job and become a van living nomad, unless that is what you absolutely want,

But I do see sense in continuously making choices towards a life you want to live. To also enjoy small and big things in the moment that you are in. And to work in small steps towards the circumstances your heart is asking for.

I started, a bit delayed as it was supposed to be my new years resolution, to write once a week something good that happened down. So that at the end of the year I can be reminded of the good things that happened. And each time I am outside and can see a bit of nature I try to be present in that moment and just allow it to soak into me, lighting up some joy.

For the moment no big decision are clear to me, but I started my ranking of happiness list and duckies are on it!

Below is the one that ran happily alongside our hiking group while we past the enclosure. She was so excited and vocal and when ducks "run" it is simply so very cute, it makes the heart laugh.