Moved In

Even though I am in the last stretch of getting back to a regular life, it feels like I am out of breath and patience. Life has been coming at me fast and even though things fall into place it does not really feel joyful at the moment. Before I dwell on the gloomy mood I am in though, let's focus on the good things first.

I moved into my new place and it is a very nice space. I had to order a kitchen, as this apartment did not come with one, but I managed to find a nice looking cost effective kitchen with soft close drawers and a tiny dish washer. Best thing it was in the warehouse and could get delivered within a week rather than months.

This apartment is centrally located, so I can get my groceries and most everything else by foot. I can walk to the train station that will bring me to work and even take a stroll to this nice place, where you can get Gelato and Expresso. My car is parked in underground garage and I have a nice patio with a bit of grass for the dogs to round out the reason I chose to sign the lease.

A washing machine, mattress and sofa were also purchased. Oh wait, ceiling fans too, because this Women needs air flow on hot days, after living with air conditioning for so long. My brother was kind enough to install all the fans and light fixtures and most everything else Emma and me assembled ourselves.(Not the kitchen though, lol)

Having to make this many decisions at this scale in such a short amount of time is way out of my comfort zone and left me quite a bit anxious and exhausted. I knew this was coming, but truly underestimated how it would feel daunting. Plus one always underestimates all the small things you need to buy, like a trash can and a bath mat.

Still the AirBnb place was just so weird and made me uneasy, that it is a huge relief to be in my own space. There are still a few things needed, but Emma and me can live and sleep here now.

In just a few days will be my first day at the new job, I am excited and anxious. Hopefully they get what they are looking for and I fit in well. It will help solidify the choices I have made in the last few weeks and will help settle me down too. Funny how much one can miss the mundanity of work and a regular schedule. Earning some income again will also help me feel a bit more secure about the future.

And so really life is looking good and I really have nothing to complain about, but life never quite works like this, does it?

So to the other part of events, my dad was in the hospital in January, he had broken a vertebrae and was not quite back on his feet yet, when we arrived in June.

So it took a few month of adjusting to his new situation before he was able to go to his cancer check up.

The news we got are awful, the cancer is back. He is supposed to start some treatment that might buy some time, but we won't know how much until in a few weeks when they check if it is working. This has been weighing heavy on my family. My dad is not only my dad, he is also my 96 year old grandma's caregiver.

How do you handle the hard conversations, the emotions and make sure everyone is treated with dignity and respect?

Navigating fear and patterns long ingrained and being patient and kind is what is needed but finding the strength to do so has been hard.

So you see, on the one hand settling into life here in Germany has been going well, albeit a bit stressful. On the other hand being somewhat accessible to my family also means all the emotional turmoil is really close and feel so overwhelmingly sad.

Trying to take one day at a time and focusing on the small little things to feel like I am in control seems to work OK. We all carry weight on our shoulders but putting one foot in front of the other keeps us moving forward.